Hi guys it’s Hwayoung here! KPOPRHETORIC was looking for a guest writer, because let’s be honest here this blog is crustier than the tape on my rental crutches, those sh*tty reviews and T-ara apologist ‘news’ stories? No one cares you boring f*ck! So I jumped at the opportunity to finally get my story out there, and finally give this blog something worth reading by giving away my most treasured hints, tips and tricks that have fuelled my career over the past couple of years, such as effectively skimping out of practice and squeezing in time for some much-needed luxuries (because fake limping really takes it out of you!) and how to produce top quality fake tears. I’m sorry for any mistakes I make, I’ve just had my nails done so typing isn’t the easiest thing to do right now but my ‘determination’ will pull me through. So welcome to the first instalment of;
Hwayoung’s Guide: The Art Of Pretending To Be Determined
How To Maintain A Long Term Role
The most essential element to acting is maintaining the role for extended periods of time, especially when the role you’re playing isn’t for weekday drama, but your everyday life. So I’ve come up with a short keyword phrase that’ll stick in your minds like sequins to nail glue!
Make sure the role you’re playing is the victim this way people wont suss out your crocodile tears and will suck up every word you say. Make your words gentle and consistent, if possible, just use the same script, or even someone else’s script for every interview that comes your way, it worked for Melania Trump so why not for you?
Are you part of an up and coming top-tier girl group? Reaching almost national girl group level? With an important overseas milestone event scheduled? But due to the fact that you’re a lazy b*tch you just really can’t be bothered? Demand that you be carried around the airport! Walking unaided only when you are 100% sure no cameras are in your line of sight. Causing you to trend on all the portal sites scoring you more sympathy than a ‘with condolences’ card giving you the perfect excuse to slink out of that
concert event with-out anyone taking a second guess.
As I mentioned in a previous step you have to make your eyeball excretions seem genuine, if you can’t fake it, make it! I carry eye drops with me at all times, not because I have any sort of underlying conditions, yet, but because I never know when I’m going to get asked about T-ara (but I do because I’ve done nothing credible since so they’ve gotta bulk out these things somehow!). As you can see in the example image above, my face is substantially turned to the side, no, not because I’m trying to show up that b*tch Jiyeon with her side profile, but because I’m actually free styling here, the script suggested I finally ended the rumours but I’m not stopping this act until I get an Oscar! So here you can see me ever so slyly inserting the eye drops for some quick n easy fake tears.
Had an injury at work? Can’t claim compensation, time off or a cast because it was a sprained ankle due to your own negligence? Don’t worry! Go to a different hospital with you rich father and slide them an extra couple ₩ and you’ll have a perfect excuse to wriggle your way out of that upcoming career peak and sit on your ass all day in preparation for the next step.
Even in the most desperate of situations your nails gotta look good, 2 hours late for that business meeting you’ve got? Get ya nails did. Partner is giving birth right at this very minute and you’re nowhere near the hospital? Get ya nails did! Can’t be bothered participating in that concert practice you’re already late for because you went to get a fake cast to make your pretend limping look somewhat plausible ? Get Ya Nails Did!
Got an annoying younger brother/sister/member that is taking all your limelight? Stopping you from receiving all the love you rightfully deserve? Don’t worry! This step will be a breeze, in order to regain your rightful place at the top and crumble the careers of others just get your batsh*t crazy slightly older twin to threaten to slice and dice their face up over text. If someone tries to intervene just Olympic hammer throw your crutches at them. Problem solved.
If the certain someone from the previous step didn’t get the message after having their experience on the Olympians battle field, and decides to expose your lack of determination, don’t worry, this step will help secure your role and all your issues for the next 5 years and you wont even have to lift a finger, which suits me down to a T. Thank you Twitter.
VAGINAS, if you just remember these simple words your determination will never be questioned again, all thanks to VAGINAS. Everyone take your VAGAINAS advice step by step and you should be standing on that Oscars stage in no time!