How To Join The Hive-Mind – Netizen Edition

Ever looked at an article about your favourite k-pop idol, scrolled to the translated comment section and thought,

“Wow, the lengths these people go for the sake of Korean entertainment is truly awe-inspiring, the real troops aren’t those serving their mandatory 2-year military enlistment, but these internet dwellers. How do I become one?”?

Well, look no further! Here are 6 thought altering steps that’ll process you into the netizen mindset, enabling you to join the hive-mind and start earning anonymous approval off strangers on the internet at the expense of other people’s careers.

And If you’re wondering what a ‘netizen’ actually is it’s an internet citizen, someone who frequently spends too much time over sharing their, usually rude and unnecessarily offensive, opinions (ironic I know) by commenting on articles. It’s like Korea’s equivalent to the YouTube comment section but messier (yes, it is possible) and for some reason has actual impact. Not as much as they like to think they have, but an impact nonetheless.

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Have you seen a female idol sporting a new nose or chin recently? Make sure you tear that person down and let them know just how much of an awful person they truly are for spending their own hard-earned money on themselves. Commenting on every article stating how much of a Gangnam unnie they look and how they’ve ruined their common face that can be seen anywhere on the street. How did they even become an idol seeing as looks are everything anyway? But don’t forget your graduation is coming up and that nose bridge of yours isn’t looking like the perfect ski slope you’ve always imagined so be sure to ask mummy and daddy if they’ll take you on a trip to Dr Kim’s.

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Spotted an idol who is older than you while you were out underage drinking and clubbing? Tell them what an awful contribution to society they are (anonymously online of course, you can’t say it to their face, they wont let you take a selfie with them), making sure they know how they’re corrupting their fans being a bad influence. How dare that iljin thug enjoy their life?

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Think that female actor weighing 50 kg is an obese disgrace to the entertainment industry and just looking at her pictures will cause your phone to crack because of the pressure? Tell that fat lump to lose weight! If you wanted to see sad whales you would’ve went to Sea World!

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Wow, that actor really lost a lot of weight… Why women so greedy and never satisfied with how good they look choosing to throw that away? Eat a burger! Being stick skinny isn’t attractive, men like women who are chubby, she used to be so charming what a shame. There’s no way she lost all that weight naturally, she must have had her jaw shaved too, plastic monster!

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One of the most important scandals to not have your own opinion on is T-ara’s. Despite the fact the ‘evidence’ was obviously highly manipulated and taken out of context and you know it was fake, they still need to rot in hell and pay for what they did to precious Hwayoung. Make sure you tell the members to kill themselves on a daily basis, even telling their friends and family if you’re still not satisfied, sign various petitions to get them to disband and boycott them in any way you can because who cares? It’s not your life you’re ruining it’s a celebrities, they’ll have made a fortune off the hefty 3% they earn from digital sales, they’re fine. But don’t forget bullying is wrong and you should never do it (unless it’s to a female celebrity then go ahead!).

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Has your oppa recently got into a scandal? Drink driving? Ran someone over? Rape accusations? Beat their spouse? Don’t worry, you’ll only need to pretend to think that they’re scum of the earth for 2 weeks. Max.

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Now you’ve got into the mindset of a netizen all you need now is to speak like one despite the fact you know little to no Korean, here are some popular phrases that you can copy and paste for instant up-votes to really earn that netizen credibility.

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‘Birds of a feather’
‘Does she think pictures like this make her look cool’
‘Ever since she’s been hanging out with Sulli, she’s just getting weirder and weirder..’
– Applies to any Sulli, Gain, or Hara article, no one really knows what birds of a feather means but it’s apparently insulting. Don’t forget to include how mentally disturbed you think Sulli is and how she should get help immediately! Make sure to link every one of her Instagram pictures to being lolita, especially if your arm is about to pop out of its socket with how far you’re reaching. Then proceed to take a cute picture of yourself typing away at your computer, probably in your underwear because lets face it this is probably the most worthwhile thing you’re going to do today and getting changed would just be a waste, and upload it to Instagram.

‘ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ’
– A very valid input, the sanity of portal sites relies on this. Thank god you were able to transcend your laughing into a higher form and share it with the world.

EXO-L here to support Girls Generation!
– Applies to any song release. italic words are interchangeable for any group and fandom, but only the relevant ones, no one cares about your nugu groups support. ‘Army here to support Twice!’ ‘Sone here to support 2NE1!’ ‘Grim Reaper here to reap support Wonder Girls!’

‘Hwaiting!’
– Again, immensely valid input.

‘Ugh, way too thin, she could stand to gain a bit more weight’
‘She looks like a super ugly ajumma here ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ’
‘Such awkward proportions’
‘She looks so common I could see her face on the street anywhere how did she even end up being a celebrity’
– Anything that even briefly mentions a woman, it doesn’t matter if she’s just cured world hunger or saved a puppy from drowning, if you’re not bullying kindly encouraging her are you really a true netizen?

‘Daebak’
-…

‘Sly fox’
– Always in reference to IU because she grew up didn’t continue to fit into the Nation’s Little Sister image that was forced upon her.

Netizen comments aren’t always so hate fueled, sometimes they’re actually supportive, but that doesn’t matter because getting into the true hive-mind means that if you don’t have approval of the entire population of Korea you opinion is worthless garbage and so are you! And NetizenBuzz wont translate them anyway.

Happy Commenting!

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