As Theresa May, the current Prime Minister of the UK for all you people lucky enough to not live in this crap shack, has announced a snap general election to everyone’s surprise, despite saying herself the next election would be in 2020 and not June 8th 2017, Hitler said he wouldn’t invade Czechoslovakia but here we are, so England needs a new leader. But in all honesty the current candidates just don’t seem fit enough to run the country. The leader of the Conservative party is a shape shifting lizard that no one even elected in the first place and the other is just so left-wing his own (Labour) party don’t even like him. But amongst all the anguish and torment, there is one candidate who may be able to save the UK from rack and ruin…
You may be asking ‘but what does Qrillary have that Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t, aside from a secure hairline? They’re both renowned bullies, does it even matter which party I vote for? We’re all going to get killed by Donald Trump’s World War 3 anyway.’ well, before we all get killed by one of Kim Jong Un’s Trump bound misaimed missiles we will need a strong multilingual leader, being fluent in not only English but Korean, Japanese, Chinese and American that can induce peace between two feuding countries such as the United States of America and North Korea and start discussing the real hard-hitting issues, such as Kim Kwang Soo’s 9 member fetish, the ongoing search for the Absolute Second Album and what really happened between Taeyeon and Jessica.
Under a Qrillary regime every citizen of the United Kingdom will have a ‘determination chip’ inserted at the tip of their nose
while they sleep at their local GP, estimated to raise determination levels by a staggering 422%! Working via satellite signal the internal tracker chip will warn users when approaching a nail salon when working by administering an acute electric shock, adjusting in voltage in correspondence to the distance of the nail art.
People often look down on those of us who care more about our aesthetic awareness on social media than the state of our current lives but sometimes that just cannot be helped when your boss doesn’t even know who you are, giving you one line of English nonsense per song causing no one else to recognise you, diminishing all job opportunities before they even had a chance to come to fruition leaving the internet to be your only source of income and you can’t spend all day clicking the refresh button on your own MV’s and pressing on all the ad’s that pop up along with them in hopes of being able to fund for your next chin, or your other forgotten members next nose evolution. Fear no more! Under our Dear Leader, posting at least one Instagram picture a week will become a certifiable, creditable full-time job, with one like amounting to a jaw dropping £0.01p, you can become an employed millionaire like our Brilliant Leader Qrillary Qrinton, (Qrillary for short, Qri for the shortest), in no time at all.
Out with the old and in with the new! The national anthem will be given a hip, trendy revamp, replacing the dreary prehistoric ‘God Save The Queen’ nonsense with a song that is a personal favourite of our Wise Leader, that doesn’t only showcase strength, talent and determination but also displays the amount of talent our Respected Leader Qri wishes she could pass on to the nation Do We Do We.
La la la love Do we? Do we?
La la la love Do we? Do we?
As the UK is currently without a national motto a lyric close to our Dear Leader Qri’s heart is ‘LaLaLaLaLa I like you!’, following our American cousins this is to be revised everyday along with the revised national anthem in schools saluting the new and improved flag, which truly unites all the nations in the UK in places the old flag failed to do so.
“From a young age Kim Kwang Soo impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life; that your word is your bond and you do what you say and keep your promise; that you treat your sunbae with respect. He taught and showed me values and morals in his daily life.”